Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Other people and the future

"Imagine that I am vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and... well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity."

"I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right..."

--Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Crime and Punishment

I just need to get this out of my system tonight...

There are two things I fear the most, other people and the uncertainty of what is to come.
I would like to talk first about my fear of other people. Being in the world is something accidental. Even some philosophers ( I forgot who they are) are agreeing with our throwness in the world. We are here whether we like it or not. We can be as passive about it or take an active role in our lives. It seems my speculative thought has always made me understand my surroundings but never really made me act in the environment I am in. I remember my aunt saying something today about me with my theories, that I have to read the newspaper to help me be practical, or be in the world. I do not want to interpret it, but I have a pretty good idea of what she is trying to say. If I were playing a game, I wouldn't be in the field playing. I am sure that I am in the stands watching and having fun. Being in the game is much more fun, I think I had some practice already but playing in the big league is something I really have to push myself to do. In watching the game, I always see how cruel the other players are. I see the dynamics of it all, the ups and downs. I hear others watching with me throw their criticisms, observations and opinions at the game. Like me they are also with me watching. That's what I fear about being in the game, I hate hearing or knowing that other people are saying things behind my back. I get schizo that way. Thinking about being in the game makes me anxious, and its exciting and I love the feeling but I get overwhelmed and I back out and resume watching the game instead. No growth there, right? Also I always have from time to time dreams of zombies chasing after me, but I usually don't get eaten because I always find a way to hide or get some weapon or have some powers. I have to get the thought of being criticized out of my head. I know that its just inevitable that people will judge me, and I have to not care for a while. I need to not care about what other people think, long enough for me to live my life. I cannot always live my life not caring about other peoples opinion of me, but being occupied about it all the time is not also a way to live. GET IT OUT!!!! BE IN THE GAME !!!!
STOP THE DRAMA!!! Whew!....

The uncertainty of the future is also something I have to deal with. I know nothing as Socrates would always say. The only thing I know of the future is that I can always ask questions about it. But that doesn't always help. Come what may... Take things as they come, as they are. STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW!!! YOU'LL BE JUST FINE !!! waaaaah!


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